Hotel Room Reviews: Ordinary Table

By:  Brandon
Monday, January 10th, 2011

Introduction:

Never have I run into anything so innocuous as my hotel room’s little table.  It sits there, bears the weight of both my wallet and cellphone, and never asks for remuneration, and never tries to steal the show.  No more I say!  Today my table gets the recognition that it usually doesn’t.

External Impressions:

Today’s review candidate appears to be a veneered particleboard slab on 4 dark-stained pine legs.  The top veneered slab appears to be oak-esque.  The legs would appear sturdy from the pictures above, but if any pressure is exerted on any side of the table, its wobblier than most Louisianians (is that a word?) get on Mardi-Gras.  The deflection of the wobbling table is quite impressive, as it can sway a full inch in any direction from where its legs are planted.

The table is quite heavy, as one might expect from the table.  The only problem is, this weight is all at the top of the legs, helping to exagerate movements anytime the table wobbles.  Liken it to a big blob of jello, covered in cheap wood and dull stain.

While it does appear to be a veneer, from a distance, it doesn’t look too bad.  It just doesn’t look too great.  This table is as milquetoast as they come, which is why I’m nearly certain noone has taken the time to herald the existance of this table (like I have).

Dark stained furniture such as this table was a big part of the danish modern furniture movement in the 1960′s and early 1970′s, which yielded some incredibly stylish furniture.  This table would actually be quite stylish in the right application by someone who has tried to furnish themselves with mid-century modern furniture, however in the context of my mish-multi-decade-decor hotelroom, the table just looks dated and a bit of an anachronism.

And another thing about dark stained furniture…

Dark stained furniture shows damage quite easily, especially when stained on a lighter wood.  This table has seen some hard knocks since its heydey, attacked on a daily basis by vacuums, angry maids with even angrier cleaning agents, and lackadaisical guests’ tossed-down keys.  And why wouldn’t they be lackadaisical?  This table has all the noticeable charm of a fire detector; functional, but not much else.

The table does have a sense of humor, and you should be amused; its doing a headstand! Also, it appears to have been built by the Military- Just look at all those serial numbers!  Not to worry though, this table is American, and has likely served boring enemy soldiers to sleep in various historical US conflicts.  Soldier on, table.  I salute you!

Disassembly Guide:

Disassembly on the generic table is quite easy to accomplish, by the simple procedures below;

1. Place hands on either side of table.
2. Lift Table
3. Smash table to the ground, Rolling Stones style.  Proceed to destroy rest of hotel room.
4. You are Kieth Richards.  You are the MAN!

If the classic rock reference doesn’t interest you, likely a sci-fi reference will.  Squint real hard, and watch Chewbacca demonstrate another table field stripping method;

Conclusion:

Externals: 2.5/5 Come on guys, its not so bad.  Its a table that lovingly does its job day in and day out, with no recognition (seriously- I couldn’t tell you if I’ve seen one of these table super-soldiers before…).

Internals: 1/5  Flimsily fastened together, as though to designed to prematurely fail, I’ve seen better build quality on some bookshelves from walmart… I do love walmart however, so this table gets another point for encouragement.

Value for the money: I can’t evaluate the table on this metric, as I don’t know what the table cost the hotel.  Hopefully not too much, but simultaneously, hopefully enough to keep its morale hight.

Total: 1.75/5 Averaging the two points I evaluated our table on, we’re left with a score of 1.75.  I tried to give this dog its day, but the math seems to be out to take it behind the shed.  I’m sorry table… I tried :(

Happy Monday, January 10th readers.  3 more days until I get to go home!